[eDebate] DCA Debater #5: Jessica Yeats

[scott odekirk]

Jessica finished in 5th place with 85 points.



To the 5th Papal Delegation on Satanic Happenings and Exorcisms:



Dear Distinguished and Holy Members,



I have been in Idaho for nearly 8 years tracing the Jessica Yeats phenomenon
and I regret to inform you that this will most likely be my last
correspondence. I have only discovered recently that my previous letters
have not reached you; I believe they have been intercepted by yet
undiscovered… forces. In any case, I have sent seven copies of this
manuscript in different directions by horseback and I have also "posted"
this message to her email exchange community. I hope that some righteous
soul might come across this letter and bring it to you, but if our fate is
left to these debaters I fear that I will surely fail. Since I received the
priesthood and the writes of exorcism I have never been so challenged or
intrigued.



The following is a recounting of some pieces of evidence I have gathered
while studying the Jessica Yeats situation. I will attempt to write only the
facts but I must admit that as I have spent more time with Ms. Yeats I have
come to doubt my own capacities of observation and reason …



In 1985, Jessica's parents received a knock at their door, when they opened
it they noticed a tightly wrapped bundle neatly placed on their porch. There
were strange bovine tracks headed away from the package into the woods and
the air seemed to stink of death. When they opened the bundle they say a
beautiful infant with wild eyes. She seemed so cute, strangely though, her
skin was blisteringly hot to the touch and her vomit could reportedly
disintegrate steel. Her parents were never ones to shy away from a
challenge, so they overlooked some things (her mother was most shocked that
even as a baby when Jessica giggled it sounded like an evil James Earl
Jones) and quickly enrolled the young child in ballet classes. After a few
years of what her parents called "discipline and focus" Jessica seemed just
like the other girls.



Jessica's parents wouldn't speak much about her teenage years, but after a
bit of digging I found some things. In 1998, Coeur D'Alene Police reported
the bodies of seven middle-school children were found in a forest clearing
in a bloody arrangement. Officers reported finding a Wendy's salad that was
"picked at" rigorously, a cryptic note which read "the ugly parts of life
make life beautiful," and a cell phone which had apparently been dropped on
the ground so many times it yielded no substantial evidence.



Jessica dabbled in debate and theater in high school where her drama coach
allegedly said her depiction of Captain Hook was both mesmerizing and
revolting. This was her last role until starring in an oft seen film as
"Josh Branson the Velociraptor." According to dispatcher testimony in 2001,
Idaho State Police stopped a "young aggressive mousy brunette" on a secluded
highway just outside of Sandpoint. The officers were next seen in the bottom
of a ravine crushed under the weight of their patrol car. When approached
later about this incident Jessica could only respond that the Police
Academymovies were "the worst movies ever made." By the time Jessica
was a senior
in high school I was convinced Jessica was possessed by a demon the rank and
severity of which I had not yet identified.

When it came time to decide which college Jessica would attend much was at
stake. I felt, and her father agreed that it was too early to unleash
Jessica on a major metropolitan area so far away from home in her current
"condition." I was in her bedchambers for hours and hours performing The
Prayer Against Satan while she writhed until she finally agreed to attend
Idaho State University. I was pleased to find out that she would join the
debate team which had always been an outlet for her frustration. I would
later be troubled to learn that she loved debate because it provided an
"opportunity to hurt people." If you have ever been in a cross examination
with her then you know what she meant.

I didn't fully realize the impact Jessica had on the ISU campus until I
attended a lecture by one of the prominent philosophy professors on campus:



Dr. Levensen: Which brings me to a great poem by W.B. Yeats… Yeats… Jessica
Yeats… [brow furrows, he squints intensely]…[3 minute pause]

Student: Hey, are you alright?

Levensen: Yeats.... Jessica Yeats.... dear God...

Student: Sir!?!

Levensen: class dismissed. [storms out]



Interestingly Dr. Carl Levensen is a Jew. But since I am concerned here with
Jessica's serious sins I will not waste your time with her so-called
"anti-Semitic episodes."



I ran across some excerpts from Jessica's first college coach Calum Matheson
which seem to be "illustrative":



August 12, 2003
Today I arrived in Pocatello, Idaho to meet the teams that I will be
coaching this year.  All of them seem great, but I must confess that one
student, Jessica Yeats, disturbs me.  I first thought that something might
be wrong when she told me that she is from "a city in northern Idaho."  It
is common knowledge that there ARE no cities in this desolate place, only
the white supremacist compounds scattered in the empty sea of potato
fields.  I'm told that the introduction of the wheel to Idaho sometime last
year might change this.  The locals hope to discover fire soon as well,
assuming that the Mormons allow it.

October 17, 2003
Visiting Idaho again.  The team continues to work hard.  I was beginning to
think that my impressions of Idaho were false, until I encountered a group
of the locals on my way to the store.  I don't speak their language, but
fortunately I had some change in my pockets.  The novelty of the shiny metal
distracted them enough for me to escape.
Jessica has taken to calling me "dad."  I have elected to say nothing about
this--I am three years older than she is, and most Mormons are grandparents
by my age. I call her "DC"  because someday she may be the President.
Something like that.

January 4, 2004
Watched Jessica give a practice speech today, detailing her desire to "pop a
cap in humanity's ass."  I wrote a Wipeout file for the team as a joke.
Jessica seems to revel in it, and doesn't see anything funny about the
idea.  DC would make a disturbing President indeed.  The speech was
excellent, though.  As a committed believer in the inherent value of all
human life and the glory and beauty of puppies and children and terrorists,
I must say that I feel offended by her.  If only there was a forum, perhaps
on the Internet, where I could express my opinions about offensive speech in
debate.  Oh well.  Maybe someday there will be.  That'll fix everything.

April 1, 2004
Proud of the team's performance at the NDT.  Jessica has given up her habit
of vomiting before important debates, for which I am very thankful.   But
there are other ways that she is like Linda Blair.  Her invectives against
critiques have suddenly stopped, and she appears to be interested in them.
Exclusive interest in one type of argument seems often to be a product of
laziness, or too many Emo or Country concerts, depending on the obsession.
But this is something different.  She has found a way to disguise her
contempt for humanity in the language of ineffectual stoners and spoiled
upper-middle class poseurs.  Oh, sure, there's always a couple who are
sincere, but not her.  What if no one notices?  Could her target audience be
too high to call her out?  God help us if that is the case...






>From the very beginning of Jessica's time on the Idaho State Debate Team all

of her teammates felt her strange powers of control. Sadly she now makes her
partner vomit for her before rounds (thank the Lord that Paul was a
trooper). I observed a mind-blowing recurring phenomenon the morning after
nearly every tournament as the ISU team gathered to travel home. Every time,
without fail, nobody had any idea where she was, her things were still
thrown around violently throughout the hotel room as she had left them, and
as always our flight was to leave in an hour. Despite their anger, and
compelled by an unknown and unseen force her teammates would go to her room,
pack all of her things neatly in her bag, load them in the rentals and wait
patiently for her to arrive. In these moments I even found myself saying,
"we'll be alright she will show up, she'll show up, she will, she will." She
would always arrive at the final moments usually carried on a throne by
slaves (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iA1GC3T-Ldg) but none of us seemed
surprised by this.



Jessica's mysterious powers of persuasion were best brought to light by some
of the decisions that she received while debating. I cannot recount the
amount of times I heard a critic give a decision much like this at the end
of a round:

"ok, uh… good debate everybody… um, there is just all this… uh… you see
there really is a lot, you know, over here in this part of the debate that I
just don't think that you, well… I mean its like in cx when, uh… anyway, I
vote aff… yeah. It's a lot you know."



I cannot determine whether this odd compulsion by judges to vote for her
over and over for what seems to be no reason comes from. It may just be due
to her pre-emptive strikes. She is only debater that I have observed who
regularly argues with judges who vote for her. Once after I had finished
watching a debate between two skinny nihilists and two whining Mexicans I
rushed to Jessica's room to find out how her round went. When I walked in,
Paul was huddled in the back corner (which was usual) and Jessica was
crouched over a bloody mass. As I approached I saw a crooked pair of horn
rimmed glasses atop bloody entrails and a severed arm which lay strewn about
the center of the room. She turned around and quickly swallowed the finger
hanging out of the side of her mouth. She hurriedly squeaked, "He already
turned in his ballot!" Apparently the Michigan State Debate team replaced
Repko with an animatronic version without even missing a beat.



Reverend Foy and I once believed that if she was made to preach the word
that she might come around. At first she took to the teachings of the gospel
so well, even the relativist liberal army known as "the College Debate
Community" listened to her preaching about her "convert the chinese" and
"the only women who get abortions are party girl sinners" affs. She was so
adept with Christian values, I was amazed. After converting nearly 35
members of the debate community I felt that she had finally excised her
demons. My hopes were dashed one day this past year in the squad room
when we had this conversation:



            Jessica: Hey Scott, I think we need a new aff.

            Me: Why? 10 straight tournaments spanning two years with one
questionably topical aff isn't that long.

            Jessica: I think they are finally ready?

            Me: Who?

            Jessica: You know, the minions. The confusable ones.

            Me: Ready for what?

Jessica: Well I have gotten them to believe in faith, now they need to have
faith in something that is worth a shit.

Me: The word of God isn't worth something?

Jessica: No, its nothing compared to Nazism.

Me: [choking] you want to run Nazism good?

Jessica: Yeah, of course. Ever heard of Carl Schmidt? I have already cut 200
cards.



All of Jessica's arguments ultimately boiled down to "drinking human blood
is good." Unfortunately now she is headed to Washington DC and will without
a doubt end up in some public office. Her drive to destroy all others will
clearly serve her well there. I am afraid that the only thing I have
succeeded in doing is giving her greater tools for corrupting the innocent.



I fear now for my life. When she reads these words my days will be numbered.
Even now I can sense her tromping up to my door and tapping on the glass
with her well sharpened claws. Honestly my life is not worth much now since
I think she has driven me totally mad, sometimes I wake up in the middle of
the night shouting "reciprocal emnity is not the annihilation of the enemy
but the maintenance of that relation without terminus." I even find myself
saying in conversation "a debate round is only a yes/no response to a
plan." Yesterday I used a document map, good Lord what is happening to me?



I believe if we are going to successfully solve the Jessica Yeats situation
at this point we must stop treating this as a simple case of "a child of god
possessed." Instead we must recognize that Jessica Yeats is most likely the
Antichrist. God help us all.



Sincerely and Urgently,



Rev. Scott A. Odekirk

Order of the Sacred Heart



P.S. Just in case you thought I was going to drop this locker room dick
measuring contest, Jessica's is bigger. If you have debated her you know it
is true.



much thanks to the entire ISU debate team, and Calum. Special thanks to Anne
Rice's *The Witching Hour* for creative inspiration.



P.P.S. Also one last thing. Jessica thinks gay men are genuine and lesbians
are "faking it." This isn't a joke.
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