[eDebate] DCA Debater #7--BLAKE JOHNSON

[Josh]

Luckily for Blake - Kill Rock Star records just released a new Elliot Smith
collection this week,

Josh


On 5/10/07, cleary at ou.edu <cleary at ou.edu> wrote:

>

> DCA Debater #7—BLAKE JOHNSON.

> Blake received 75 total points

>

>

> Dr. Blakelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bong

>

>

> The Early Years

>

> Joseph Blake Johnson was born in Eufaula (pronounced "hick-ville")

> Oklahoma, a small town of 5,000 people in eastern Oklahoma, of which his dad

> was the mayor. When he was young, Blake helped his dad campaign.  While

> Blake was an invaluable campaign tool, he did almost cost his dad an

> election once when he ran across a stage naked that his dad was speaking on

> (this would be the beginning of a long pattern of streaking and just

> generally being naked all of the time).  Little else is known about the

> years Blake spent in Eufaula. All I can gather is that being a politician's

> son taught him how to tell dirty jokes and do a wicked rendition of "Baby

> Got Back."

>

> While he was still young, Blake moved to Edmond (pronounced

> "white-as-fuck-ville") Oklahoma, a town that has more churches than people

> and still segregates its schools.

>

> Blake didn't really have any policy debate experience in high school.  In

> fact, he was an LDer.  He was an up and coming star on his (first) high

> school debate team, but an imitation of Johnny Depp in Blow put an end to

> that.  He did win the LD state title and declined his trip to NFL nationals

> to "fight the system," but most of his high school days were spent as the

> lead singer of his (3) Christian "punk" band(s), (aptly) named "No

> Talent."  Back in those days, Blake passed the time rocking out against the

> lack of prayer in public schools (A disclaimer: while most of the jokes in

> this bio are completely true, some are hyperbolic.  But, I'm being dead

> serious here. Blake was a BIG Christian.

> Go-on-mission-trips-to-convert-the-savage kind of Christian.  He's imitated

> to me how he prayed at the church he attended, and let me put it this way, I

> was terrified.  With all the arm raising and weird chants, I wasn't sure if

> we were praying to God or having a séance.)

>

> But he soon wandered from his Christian roots and by the time I met him

> his first year of college, he was a long-haired, vegetarian hippie with this

> lame peace sign tattoo on his leg. He even boasted an impressive rap sheet,

> having been arrested for disorderly conduct after picking a fight with a

> group of 80-year old veterans at a war protest (the veterans won).

>

> COLLEGE

>

> College life for Blake is awesome.  His days usually consist of waking at

> the early hour of 3 PM, just to make it to Happy Hour at 4. Seriously,

> trying to wake this guy before noon is harder than not killing yourself when

> you listen to Brett Wallace go for T.  He's failed afternoon classes solely

> because he had too many absences from sleeping in.  He's not really

> anti-class, he just doesn't believe in going to class on days that end

> in….."day." He gets by, although I think he is still the only OU student to

> fail "Intro to College: A gnat could get an A in this class"….twice.

>

> Not doing policy debate in high school, Blake's transition to the college

> debate world was rough.  For one, he didn't know any of the lingo or staple

> debate arguments.  Until the NDT this year, he thought a double turn was

> good because why turn once, when you can turn twice?

>

> Blake also could not exactly "go fast" in debates.  It may have been

> because of the 2 packs of cigarettes he smoked per……hour, but seriously, the

> first time I heard him attempt to spread, I thought he was speaking in

> tongues.  He also couldn't finish a 2AR without his inhaler or CPR, which

> I'm still convinced was just an excuse to make out with me. But he soon

> caught on, and before long he was moving at the speed of a Special Olympics

> hurdler, rivaling the likes of speed-demons Tripp Rebrovick and Dan

> Luxemburg. That Blake didn't win speediest debater is a travesty of epic

> proportions.

>

> Not doing policy debate in high school also meant that Blake never really

> learned how to debate the little, inconsequential things……you know, like

> T.  Seriously, why people didn't go for T against us every round boggles my

> mind. I think Bard could have beaten us on T. The following exchange pretty

> much sums up the OU CJ approach to Topicality:

>

> Blake: Shit duuuuuuude *cough cough* How am I going to answer this T

> argument?

> Conor: Make a we meet

> Blake: Did you say weed?!?

> Conor: Focus man! Look, all they said was we have to use the Supreme

> Court. For once, we actually do!

> Blake: Duuuuude, this is hard stuff. Can't I just say T=genocide?

>

> A lot of people think we were a K team because we're dirty hippies.  This

> is partially true. Blake is a dirty hippie.  But the real reason we're a K

> team is because Blake can't pronounce "hegemony."  He still asks which city

> and state the political capital DA is referring to.  It's the damnedest

> thing, but to Blake, simple (read: policy) arguments might as well be

> jibberish, while the musings of a professor from the department of

> Lacantology are a light read.

>

> Some Other Things You Should Know About Blake

>

> He's a MySpace whore.  I would say 90% of the play Blake gets is from

> random MySpace girls who go by their MySpace name, rather than their real

> one. In fact, Blake's rate of landing non-MySpace girls is about as good as

> his AFF win percentage against UMKC.  His MySpace connections do produce a

> busy social life. Bored on a Friday night?  Blake solves this problem

> instantly, scans his bulletins (or "bullets" as he likes to call them) and

> finds a party to attend. These parties are…..interesting.  Don't get me

> wrong, they're fun. But they're the kind of parties where all the boys and

> girls look the same.  No one looks a day over 13, everyone wears the same

> jeans and has that weird, short emo hair-cut where the bangs swoop in front

> of only one eye.

>

> He has an unhealthy obsession with Elliott Smith. Blake has every record

> he has ever done and every show he has ever played. Each slot in Blake's

> car's 6-disc CD player holds one of his albums.  When Smith died, Blake

> didn't speak for three days.

>

> He has an even unhealthier obsession with fried Okra.  If you don't

> believe me, check out his judging philosophy. He likes it so much he

> proposed renaming the state "Okrahoma."  When I informed him that might be

> perceived as insensitive to Asians, Blake retorted, "These carriers of the

> most humiliating and vengeance-seeking instincts, the descendants of all

> European and non-European slavery, especially of the pre-Aryan people—they

> represent mankind's regression." Shows what reading a little Nietzsche will

> get you.

>

> In my underground poll for "skinniest debater of the year," Blake won in

> both the boys and girls category, narrowly edging out Kathryn Clark for the

> girl's crown, of which he is particularly proud.  He also won in some

> surprising categories ("would be hotter as a woman") and some not so

> surprising ones ("most likely to give you an STD").  Blake's so skinny he

> still shops in the juniors department at the mall and I think his waist is

> smaller than his age, although he does turn 22 in a few weeks.

>

> He has a BIG crush on Lee Edelman.  From all accounts, Blake is

> heterosexual but if there is one man he would give it up for, it would be

> "Lee-Pea," as Blake affectionately calls him.  At the NDT, Georgetown

> informed Blake that Edelman had thought the use of his work for our AFF was

> creative and had asked for Blake's email address. Blake's ego got so big

> that I seriously contemplated sending someone to follow closely behind him

> with a "WIDE LOAD" banner, which definitely would have been the only time

> the word "wide" could be applied to Blake. Edelman hasn't emailed him yet,

> but the first thing Blake does when he gets up every morn…evening, is boot

> up his laptop repeatedly chanting "I wonder if he emailed me! I wonder if he

> emailed me!" until his words are giddy screams.  I console him everyday as

> he continually finds his email box empty. Hey, Lee, if you're reading this,

> quit being a dick and send the little guy an email. Blakejohnson at ou.edu or

> 405-LEES-4-ME.

>

> Blake seriously misses this activity.  The first few days after the NDT

> were rough.  After Blake lay in the fetal position with Elliott Smith's

> "Miss Misery" on repeat for at least 24 hours straight, I started to get

> worried.  He misses debate so much that he tries to make every conversation

> an argument. It's a day-by-day process and although he is getting better, he

> has relapses.  The other day he posted 28 combative messages in debate card

> format within 15 minutes of one another on someone's Facebook wall who had

> suggested that there was no JFK assassination conspiracy.

>

>

> The Serious Part

>

> My love for blake is a little like JW Patterson's reign at

> Kentucky---ugly, but permanent.

>

> >From Unabomber hoodies to pearl-snap shirts that hurt like hangovers, I'm

> used to it all. But one thing you can't deny about blake is that he has

> style.  Blake wasn't the fastest or most technical debater, but he was one

> of, if not the, most persuasive and compelling debaters in the country this

> year.  I think we won nearly 1/4 of our negative debates this year on his CX

> of the 2AC alone. Jonah Feldman told me that the 5 times in a row he voted

> for us in elims at Northwestern were due to Blake's "luscious" 2ARs. Other

> people agreeing with the "luscious" description include Ken Strange, David

> and Jenny Heidt, and Dallas Perkins (actually he said they were "hotter than

> a honeymoon hotel").

>

> The most amazing thing about Blake's career is that he did it all without

> debating policy in high school.  I may be mistaken, but I know of no top 10

> DCA debaters in the last few years that graduated high school without debate

> experience.  His success with this in mind makes it all the more incredible.

>

> It's been fantastic debating with Blake who in addition to being a great

> debater is also my best friend.  He's the funniest and smartest person I

> know.

>

> Congrats, buddy on receiving a top 10 DCA and on an incredible season.

>

>

>

> BY MALCOLM GORDON

>

> I feel compelled to start this whole thing off with a disclaimer.  Any of

> you who know me understand that this is wholly necessary.  I will offend

> someone.  I am a very polarizing guy, it's in my nature.  If I don't offend

> someone, then this bio probably isn't funny.  Please feel free to post

> whatever you like on edebate about how rude, insensitive, uncultured, or

> offensive I am.  When you do so, be sure to point out a) the terrible thing

> I said b) the group or groups it would/should offend/objectify/marginalize

> and c) why it should/will offend said group.  I encourage criticism and may

> even feel inclined to respond to your comments.  Why would I prefer you talk

> about it?  Because this is America, we live in a democracy. And only a

> strong democracy can avert extinction.  As a dirty K debater I hate pretty

> much everything, but I love the shit out of the first amendment.

>

> Any future employers who are reading this post right now and not hiring me

> for a job because of it:  why are you googling my name you creepy

> bastard?  Seriously, if YOUR boss knew you were on google all day looking up

> random names you would be fired.

>

> I'd like to say this right now:  I love Blake Johnson.  He is one of my

> best, closest friends on the circuit.  I would eat the corn out of this

> guy's ass if I thought it was necessary for his well-being.  I would not

> take a bullet for him, but I would be willing to throw Cleary in the path of

> the bullet, which is a pretty fair compromise.  Anything sounding

> mean-spirited in this is done out of love.  Now, there is a possibility this

> won't be funny. This is because I'm reading it out loud to myself, and

> delivery is always an important component of comedy, which is hard to

> translate into words.  If you think this bio sucks, you're dead to me.  Just

> ask me sometime and I'll read it to you, and I promise that you will have

> the same reaction Joe Patrice once did:  you will laugh so hard you will

> throw up in your mouth.

>

> The Name

> Blake Johnson.  It's not a totally badass name.  Skimmyhorn, that's a

> kickass name.  Night Rider, that is a badass name.  Shatner is the name of a

> god.  Blake Johnson, now that's an American name.    Funny thing is Blake

> Johnson isn't his colonial name, it's his Indian name.  His family is

> notoriously chauvinistic, and obsessed with the phallus.  Blake swore me to

> secrecy over this in case he ever had to run a K that was "sensitive with

> the ladies," as he put it.  Blake complains about his name a lot because

> it's "too mainstream."

>

> The Style

> Blake is not a hipster.  Perhaps I should say this one more time: BLAKE IS

> NOT A HIPSTER.  His mother just dressed him up like that as a kid, and he

> stuck with it.  Blake really does think that the pinnacle of all fashion is

> the button up shirt that looks like it came out of a 1960s Western.  And you

> know what, he wears that shirt with the class and dignity it deserves.  When

> this man walks into a bar, people take notice.  It's kind of like when Marty

> McFly walks into the bar in Back to the Future, only completely lame because

> it doesn't involve time travel.  Now, if ever there was a reason why the

> forced assimilation of Native americans into western culture is ethically

> wrong, it is NOT the genocide of millions (I mean, you call it genocide,

> some call it progress).  No, the one reservation (pun intended) Native

> americans would have to assimilation in hind sight would be watching their

> descendents walking around looking like…..Blake.  If Blake's great great

> grandfather could

> see him now he'd be the first in line to take a blanket.  Blake doesn't

> care what you think of how he looks.  Why?  Because he is obviously more hip

> than you.  You judge him based on his material possessions, but that is so

> capitalist and Blake is so not a capitalist. I should point out that I lied

> about something earlier-Blake is, in fact, a hipster.

>

> The Aff

> Blake had one helluva good aff win percentage this year.  I never got to

> debate it myself, as Blake always had a new, untopical aff to break against

> us.  But I have had talks and seen the data, and it was impressive.  So now

> it's time for the truth.  In Oklahoma, death drive is just the term people

> used when they get really lit at the bar and then try to drive home.  He

> also knows nothing about psychoanalysis.  I know this because I've talked to

> him, and I don't know a damn thing about it either.  So I just made a bunch

> of shit up and he just kept talking to me like what I was saying was

> relevant.  In all honesty, Blake has no idea what death drive

> means.  Neither did anyone else debating him.

> But I'll say this:  the most frustrating thing about debating this guy is

> his 2AR.  Anyone who debated him knows what I'm saying.  Your first reaction

> is: what the fuck is this guy talking about?  Watching Cleary's 1ar and

> Blake's 2ar is like watching Highlander 1 and 2 back-to-back.  Yeah, it's

> entertaining, but when you get to the sequel you have no idea what just

> happened.  First McCloud's immortal, now he's an alien?

> After debating against the CJ 1ar/2ar combo, you know what it's like for

> Ken Strange every round when he wakes up after the block.

> Not that judges should take notice of this discrepancy.  You can only

> handle so many fancy words in one speech, which brings me to:

>

> The Postmodern Generator

> Blake is the postmodern generator.  It's one of his most cunning

> qualities.  If you are going for a perm against OU, good luck, because we

> all know you have no idea what he said in the 1nr but every sentence was

> followed by: "this is another disad to the perm," which is literally the

> only sentence you could understand. Now this is assuming he answers the

> perm.

>

> Any of you ladies and gents who have ever made out with Blake, here is

> some insight:

> I actually found this out the first time I made out with Blake.  I am not

> attracted to men, I just needed the practice and Russell was teaching a

> class.

> Blake doesn't know how to kiss.  When you are kissing him, and you think

> he's doing such a fantastic job, he is actually still just talking.  You are

> feeling his mouth and tongue as it continues to spout out random,

> multisyllabic words that may or may not have meaning.  But don't worry,

> Blake loves that shit, so it was probably better for him than it was for

> you.

> So after we're done making out, he looks at me:

>

> BJ: What do you think?

> MG: it was OK, but you spit a lot.  Plus you know I'm into the rough

> stuff.

> BJ: What are you talking about?

> MG:  What are you talking about?

> BJ:  I was asking what your response to what I just said was.

> MG:  What did you say?  I thought we were sharing a special moment.

> BJ:  I said, ""Culture is part of the collapse of reality," says Derrida;

> however, according to Buxton[1] , it is not so much culture that is part of

> the collapse of reality, but rather the futility of culture. If precultural

> libertarianism holds, we have to choose between postcultural libertarianism

> and patriarchial narrative.

> "Class is fundamentally meaningless," says Foucault. In a sense, in

> Amarcord, Fellini reiterates subcultural dialectic theory; in La Dolce Vita,

> however, he deconstructs precultural libertarianism. Lyotard promotes the

> use of surrealism to modify society.

> However, Brophy[2] states that we have to choose between postdialectic

> theory and the cultural paradigm of consensus. A number of materialisms

> concerning the role of the writer as poet exist.

> Therefore, Bataille suggests the use of precultural libertarianism to

> challenge archaic perceptions of sexuality. An abundance of narratives

> concerning surrealism may be discovered.

> Thus, precultural libertarianism implies that narrative is created by the

> masses. If precapitalist Marxism holds, we have to choose between

> precultural libertarianism and the cultural paradigm of consensus.

> MG:  God I love it when you talk dirty, can I have one more practice

> round?

>

> Let's be serious for a moment.  That essay Blake spouted off while I was

> tonguing him sounds like one of his speeches.  You can imagine why it's so

> easy for them to pick up Harris's ballot.  Reading all of OU's evidence

> after a round is like play-dough.  It can say whatever you want, it's

> completely subjective and the judge can make the card answer anything.  It's

> really a damn magic show that is allowed to go on because everyone has too

> much pride.  You don't know what they're saying, the judge doesn't know what

> they're saying, but who's going to admit it.  You know that if you argue you

> are going to hear more shit you don't understand, which will only make you

> feel more stupider.

>

> Give Back the Land

> How could we talk about anyone from OU without mentioning give back the

> land?  That OU has popped so many great teams on give back the land is a

> testament to their skill.  Everyone seems to think that OU has an emotional

> attachment to the argument, like it's their "project" to talk about Native

> Americans.  I don't mean to sell him out here, but Blake doesn't give a

> shit.  He has told me several times that he thought most of the US's land

> acquisition was "savvy real estate maneuvering" and that Indian nations were

> "lucky to get anything at all."  That may be his personal stance, but you'll

> be surprised to hear how he feels about the argument in terms of

> debate.  Blake thinks it's a terrible argument.  He even knows that it isn't

> competitive and always solved by the do both permutation.  He doesn't give a

> shit either way.  It's funny that he beat you on such a bad argument.  Let

> me give you some advice right now:  If you have ever lost to give back the

> land-kill yourself.  Now

> , he defeated me on this argument in the Sems of UTD a few years back, and

> part of me is now dead.  If you are a young debater, and you watched them

> run this argument, and now it interests you-please just let it go.  Let's

> have a huddle right now and lay a 3 year ban on give back the land.

>

> Blake on Conor

> Conor, it's time you knew:  Blake hates you.  He is jealous of your

> ability to be such a handsome, popular young man while at the same time

> wearing just enough ridiculous looking suit jackets to be semi-hipster.  He

> is afraid you will spawn a new race of well-rounded, universally accepted

> hipsters, which will clearly defeat the entire purpose of hipsterism.  He

> does sick shit to you while you sleep.  And Conor, this is Malgor talking,

> if I say something is sick…..it's sick.  Remember what happened to us at the

> Tokyo spa?  Ten times worse than that.  Friendly advice:  brush your

> teeth…..constantly.

>

> Blake on Blake

> First, I'd like to point out how sweet the phrase "blake on blake"

> sounds.  Blake is incredibly insightful.  He will really delve into the

> depths of his soul to find answers in life.  Of course, he always concludes

> that he is the shit.  Blake's self-defined "character flaws" consist of

> things like:  I'm just too pretty sometimes, or I really spend too much time

> volunteering at the soup kitchen."  Here is a great story:

>

> Blake thought about giving the CEDA trophy back, or just renouncing it

> completely.  He felt so guilty.  His ultra-intellectual, well-rounded

> hipsterness told him something was wrong.  Finally, during some pillow talk

> he and I had, he figured it out.  Blake really hates capitalism.  If you are

> a capitalist, you are so not his friend.  And if you believe in capitalist

> ideals, you are basically like so Eurocentric that you are causing

> intersubjective ontological violence on all of humanity.  Well Blake is a

> real horatio alger when it comes to debate.  Him winning CEDA nationals is a

> phenomenal achievement, lending legitimacy to the idea that if you just try

> hard and pick yourself up by your bootstraps you'll achieve all your

> dreams.  To blake, that's a load of capitalist crap meant to keep most of

> the population subservient to the ideals of the few rich fatcats that

> control global production.   And he read this article in International

> Perspectives that told him that when indiv

> iduals reinforce that capitalist ideology they are basically supporting

> war, racism, sexism, genocide, and environmental destruction.  Well Blake

> wanted to have nothing to do with two of those things.  This guy is so not

> capitalist that he was gonna throw it all away just so no future debaters

> would buy into such ultra-individualistic, neoliberal propaganda.  Instead

> of giving the trophy back, he decided to just donate some money to the

> Monthly Review and call it a day.

>

> The Nice Stuff

> It's really hard for me to bash Blake.  I love him to death.  I'd like to

> use a lot of space here to say the honest stuff.  If the stupid argument

> that edebate will affect future employment decisions is true, then this

> section might get him the job.

>

> You deserve all the success you had this season.  Hell, you deserve

> more.  What you have done for OU debate is amazing.  I was very proud of you

> at every tournament, even when I was a little jealous of your

> success.  You've set a standard that will be nearly impossible for future

> debaters to surpass.  But honestly, Blake, I don't need to talk about how

> great you are at debate.  Only a great debater could take down 4 national

> tournaments.

>

> You are a great friend.  In fact, I can't remember a time since I've known

> you when I didn't consider you a close friend.  For 3 seasons you have

> provided consistent support and guidance any time I needed it.  I have had

> and lost a lot of friends over the years, but I know that I will always be

> able to count on you.  You are one of the most sensitive, honest people I

> have ever met.  Every time we talk, you hit me with a level of sincerity

> that is always reassuring.  That you never betray yourself or others, and

> are always honest, is a sign of great character.  No matter how successful

> you were at a tournament it was always me that you were concerned

> with.  Even during the lowest lows, you consistently supported me, assuring

> me that better things would come.  That kind of unselfishness is hard to

> find in any setting, much less a competitive one.

>

> You have always carried yourself knowing that it is what you do now that

> is important; it is what we do with the relationships we have now that shape

> our impact on this world.  I am honored to say you are one of my best

> friends.  Okay, I have a lot more to say, but this is starting to sound like

> a love letter.

>

> May the four winds safely blow you home.

>

> Love

>

> malgor

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